God Help You If You Are a Phoenix and You Dare to Rise Up From the Ash

"Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head"
-"32 Flavors", Ani DiFranco

If you get the chance...listen to that song in it's entirety. I was listening to it in the car the other day and it really hit home. Not that I have a big head in the slightest but the words rang pretty true. "Both my parents taught me about good will and I have done well by their names." My parents need to be given a ton of credit throughout this process. They are so the people I look up to more than life itself. The strength they have shown through all of this is incredible. They've put themselves on the line for both my brother and I countless times and don't think twice about it. I just hope someday I can be half the parent that both of them are. I just can't stop being able to thank them. So again...THANK YOU. Another line from that song that really hit me: "God help you if you are a Phoenix and dare to rise up from the ash, a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past." I think in a lot of ways this accident and all the events after it were 100% an opportunity to start over and start even stronger. Now's the time to really live my life the way I want to. I'm gonna keep flying and maybe "a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy." Ya never know.

"I never tried to give my life meaning by demeaning you." My brother has caught a lot of flack after this whole process. My dad described it as "you two are like oil and water lately." Not that I think either one of us is mad at the other...we're just "misunderstood." lol The communication has gotten so much better and I think every day we improve. I just want one of my best friends back. I want to be able to talk to him about anything again. We'll get there...I just hope that open communication keeps up. I love you Timmers.

So my Grandma went over to Denmark to visit my aunt and uncle, and my aunt had her first girl today! =) All on her own with no help. Not something that happened with her first 2 boys. This new girl is a miracle baby. Can't wait to see her and initiate her into dysfunction junction...aka our fabulous family. Jussst kidding..but not really. lol So while Gram has been over in Denmark I get some hottt wheels again. It's a Dodge mini van. That's right. I know you're jealous. The "shaggin wagon" as my wonderful boyfriend fondly refers to it. At least I'm mobile again. So a big thank you shout out to Gram.

Tomorrow I'm wigging out a little. Tomorrow's officially the last of my big medical issues. They put in an umbrella filter to catch any clots that might travel from my legs (where the clots originated) to my lungs since that's how I got the lung clots in the first place. If you want big medical words which I'm getting good at now they're officially called pulmonary embolisms. So tomorrow is the surgery to get that taken out. If everything looks clear clot wise when they take out the filter. then my primary wants to get me off blood thinners. Woot! The not so cool part about all this is that they told me that I have to be "awake" for this procedure and they have to go in to remove it by going through my neck. Not cool. My primary doc said they would most likely give me "happy juice" which I'm totally ok with. I don't wanna feel anything not to mention see a scalpel come towards my face. Freaky right? I know in the scheme of things it not a huge deal, but anything medical doesn't make you go..."YES I'M SO EXCITED!." So I'll definitely have an update Th/Fr or over the weekend to let ya know how it went.

"I'm not saying that I am a saint, I just don't want to live that way, I will never be a saint, but I will always say...Squint your eyes and look closer." One of the biggest philosophies I've always held in my life and more so now than ever is treat other people the way you want to be treated. This has been acted upon in everything from relationships, to family, to work, and everything else in between. The golden rule folks. If you don't wanna be treated that way, then why do it onto others. One of the biggest things I still can't get over is the way m boyfriend talks to me. He'll just look at me and out of the blue say "God you're beautiful." It's such a huge thing to hear. It's not like he's telling me what I want to hear or trying to blow smoke. He's so amazing to me. It's so real. I've told him but I think the reason it hits me so hard is a couple of reasons. It's saying stuff like that and positive reinforcement that makes me want to look good, work out, do things for myself but also for him. This sounds horrible too but it's such better motivation than what I used to have. He's heard this story, but I used to be told that a guy "just wanted me to be healthy." "That he would wanna know if I wanted him to loose weight." That "I still think you're pretty, but I just wouldn't mind if you lost some weight." To be honest, that approach just makes you depressed and would make me eat more. Now I like how I look. I have a man that appreciates me inside and out. That's the kind of man you make a life with and grow stronger because of, with him right by your side.

"I'm a poster girl with no poster" New job starts on Monday. I'm so freaking excited. I'm meeting with RJ on Saturday to meet some people and I've got a couple little technical questions for him. I'm definitely going to be the marketing poster girl with no poster. I'll definitely keep you posted on how that goes too. I can't wait. I meet Lenny, the owner of Ventosa, on April 1st. I'm so excited to start a professional life. Anyone who doubted me: "Someday you might find you are starving and eating all of the words you just said." In the happiest, lightest way to ever say that. =)

Wish me luck tomorrow with surgery and pass on some of that positive cosmic karma and think healthy, happy, good thoughts in my favor.

Cheers to being a Phoenix and rising up from the ash!